Life.

33. I'm 33 years old. I was talking to my Dad about that the other day; About how I feel different- I am married, I have 2 kids, a mortgage, a job- but I still feel the same. We bought a house in the neighborhood I lived in with my parents, when they were still married (they've been divorced for 25 years) and I still find myself, when I'm riding my bike, wanting to go down my old street sometimes. I feel like I should feel settled in my life already but I still feel like we are "waiting" for this or that. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and kids and I don't mean I'm not happy. I just feel like I'm playing house sometimes.

I watch my 6 year old, Sadie,  playing and watch her personality changing and growing and see the little person she's becoming and it's so amazing. I feel like I should be better about teaching her things and showing her things. There are all these ideas I have of things I want to do with and for her. But then, I'm so tired. I work 10 hour shifts at the hospital and typically my, already high, anxiety level tends to be higher when I'm there which is exhausting. By the time I get off and we do dinner and bathe the baby, I just want to lie down. It makes me sad. By the time I feel slightly more energized and ready to play, it's time for her to go to bed.

It's no better with the baby, Sophie. She is a high demand child with a very strong personality- her sister was always so easy. She pretty much eats, bathes and goes to bed. I know she is lacking mommy time and I feel terrible about it. She is almost 1, and I think to myself  'you should really be able to have all this- mom of 2 kids thing- down a little better by now, Sarah' But I just don't.

Sadie watches TV or plays with play doh or watches tutorials on YouTube, my husband is immersed in his phone and I am either falling asleep or spacing out on pintrest. THIS is not the idea I had in my head. I, nee we, need to do better.

And don't even get me started on exercise...I feel terrible because I eat like crap and don't exercise but...so...tired...

I am so sad and scared I am going to miss this time with my beautiful daughters, and sometimes I feel like my job is sucking the life from me. Don't get me wrong, I like my job. It holds  my interest and is something I never imagined myself doing. But, I don't' make tons of money and it can be high stress at times. It's an energy suck.

I guess I just need to get a game plan going. Figure out what I need to do to make the best of my time and energy. Be better- do better. For my kids.

 

*Don't judge the messiness, this was after the baby came through like a tornado.